by Peter W. Marty

Humpback whales sing to communicate. Birds chirp with their friends when they discover a birdfeeder. Honeybees dance to tell their hive mates about the latest cache of pollen found. But human beings use words when it comes to conversing with one another. Words are how we get along in life. The way we put them together is how we make a new world every day for one another. Money may enable us to exist, but it is words that are more valuable than money. Words allow us to live and flourish. They are inextricably involved with life.

Child–development researchers know that infants need people talking to them from the moment they are born. Without this conversation lavished on them, babies do not grow and develop as normal human beings with full social potential. This is why neonatal nurses can be found whispering frequently to even the tiniest of the tiny. These caregivers know that there is more than holding and touching involved, if one is to nurture another human being into a robust life.

Dangerous speech
Words do more than nurture; they also can deceive. They are slippery and capable of distorting an otherwise beautiful relationship. Sometimes we use good and sturdy words to conceal or mislead. In the Garden of Eden everything was fine until the serpent began raising the prospect that maybe some words are not all they appear to be. "Did God really say you will die if you eat from any tree in the garden?" "No," the serpent continued, "you certainly will not die." Ever since that troubling moment, it seems that we have struggled to trust what rests behind the words that other people speak to us.

If a person says to you, "I give you my word," what they are really saying is that they can be trusted. But we know that politicians can disappoint as easily as home-improvement contractors who do shoddy work after a great sales pitch. We know that relatives can break our trust in them as readily as friends can break our hearts.

Some days it seems like words of honor are broken so casually that they never meant anything in the first place. This is why so many people have trouble trusting God when God says, "I give you my Word." God repeats this idea over and over again, finally wrapping it up in flesh and blood and setting it gently down in a manger. Yet the world still treats this Word as shaky or suspicious.

All of us are guilty of misusing our mouths and uttering words that perform like poisonous darts. We live as descendants of Isaiah, who said: "Woe is me! For I am lost; I am a man of unclean lips and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips" (Isaiah 6:5). We victimize other people through words that are not spoken carefully or thoughtfully. Others hurt us by slinging words our way that reek of disregard. But there is a better way to co-exist. It comes when we realize how holy our everyday conversation can be.

Words truly matter
If we ever doubt that simple words carry great weight, all we have to do is remember a time when someone said, "I love you." Or "I can’t stand you." The difference is huge. Defendants live or die when a judge says, "Guilty" or "Not guilty." Just think of the power and possibility contained in words spoken from one human being to another. No one ever forgets those eight words that open up a new world for us, if we are lucky enough to hear them even once in life: "We would like to offer you a position."

Words spoken to others are the currency of life. They are how we give shape to our aspirations, and how we give flight to the dreams of others. In a very real sense, our words contain what matter most to us. They reveal our deepest passions and preferences. More often than not, they prove to be more important to our relationships than the ways we touch, hold, or even look upon another.

Apostle Paul knew how important truthful words are for sustaining a relationship. When he was jailed and struggling to preserve a buoyant spirit in his fledgling congregations, "Words were all he had to fight back with," writes Barbara Brown Taylor. "Words were the only strength he had left, so he made piles and piles of them, rolling them up and pressing them through the bars of his cell like pieces of his own heart. On the one hand it was absurd...What were words? Black marks on sheets of paper? Letters strung together across a page?" Brown Taylor goes on: "On the other hand [these words] were truth, and Paul knew it." If people were going to take Jesus Christ seriously, Paul believed he was going to have to find words that they could take seriously. This was his project. It is also his legacy that aids us in our relationship with Jesus Christ.

Precious words
Not all words carry the same value. The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words long. The Gettysburg Address is 286 words. There are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet government regulations on the sale of cabbage contain 26,911 words. Why the disparity? Well, there are different kinds of words we use for different situations. Whether or not we need 26,911 to regulate the sale of cabbage is anyone’s guess. Those would certainly not be words we use to create friendship or to express deep love.

Eugene Peterson, one of the great wordsmiths of our day, offered an interesting suggestion one time. He said that if we were to take all of the words known to humankind and toss them up into the sky, they would settle back down into essentially two piles.

One pile would consist of those words that help us know things like the price of cabbage, or what level of octane fuel our car engine needs, or which parent is picking up Johnny from soccer. These would be words for communication. They are necessary and helpful–one might even say great. But they are not everything.

The other pile of words that would stack up are what Peterson calls words for communion. These are words that nurture intimacies, reveal beauty, develop trust, and share love. Words of communion are indispensable for our relationships. Without them, we live dull, flat lives. Our friendships go nowhere. Our conversations become full of uninteresting information.

Many individuals who are struggling in a relationship or who find their marriage "on the rocks," will often say (and believe) that they are not communicating well. This is partly true. In turn, they seek out a counselor to help them figure out where the communication lines have broken down. What is interesting is that, more often than not, the missing piece in the couple’s conversation is not words of communication. They are communicating quite well. They know and talk about who will pay the bills and where the house thermostat needs to be set. What they lack are words of communion. They have fallen out of the practice of conversing with one another through the use of words that display love, trust, beauty, or intimacy. This is a far greater problem than some inability of theirs to merely communicate.

We often think communication is little more than transferring information from one mind to another. This is certainly the modern understanding. But the very essence of communication, according to its root meaning–communicare–is to share, to make common. What is common can no longer be just mine. It now belongs also to someone else. Conversation that communicates well acknowledges this shared dimension.

Practice is required
Using words in conversation that express the deep realities of which Eugene Peterson speaks takes practice. One does not fall automatically into a mode of speech that is packed with words of communion. This takes time; it takes a lifetime of habit. When two people say repeatedly to one another, "I love you," they do so not because this is somehow unapparent to them. Whether their hearts are bursting with sudden passion or they are stuck in a rut of mutual neglect, they still know of their abiding love for one another. Yet uttering this simple phrase reminds them of the value of new discovery ahead. By putting their love into these three words, a couple is suggesting that there is more to the concept of love than they have already come to know. There is potentiality and refinement to their practice of love that present joy and happiness have not yet revealed. There is more goodness to come.

Holy conversation
So what makes for holy conversation? In a world where nasty speech often gets the upper hand, what is it that will elevate our words to a level befitting the highest aspirations of the Christian life? Four special qualities come to mind.

First, we should remember the primary difference between an argument and a conversation. An argument always rests on having the answer. A conversation is grounded in the question.

Think of those times when you have been embroiled in an argument. The heat rises precisely because both sides believe they have the answer. A conversation is different. It is more open–ended, full of the spirit of inquiry. Have you ever noticed how many questions Jesus would ask in the course of a simple conversation? A good conversation partner does not act like a know–it–all who has the world figured out. He or she shares in a way that invites others to be full players in the conversation.

Second, we should never underestimate the value of restraint in our speech. Less is usually more when it comes to the marketplace of conversation. Even though we often believe that piling on more words will make us more interesting or our ideas more compelling, this is rarely the case. Jesus of Nazareth was a master at restraint. Sometimes the absence of more words from him frustrates us. We wish he had told us more so that we would know the full and plain truth. But more often than not, his restraint in speaking holds the conversation open for our full participation, still to this day.

Third, holy conversation happens when people listen well. When Mary pondered the words of Jesus and treasured them in her heart, she was displaying what all of us could afford to do better–listen well. Few things frustrate the beauty of conversation quite like someone who will not listen, who only wants to talk. Not only is such behavior rude, it is self-centered in nature. If our communication–communicare–is to be shared and truly common, we must practice our listening skills.

Fourth, kindness makes for holy conversation. If we want to get anywhere in life, we are often told to be tough and cold in our dealings. This works to a point. But it certainly doesn’t open up the world of give and take in which conversation makes its home. Being tough is relatively simple; showing kindness takes far more courage.

When I was a child, I thought people with money were something special. Later in life, I came to admire those who were really bright. Today, I cherish those who have kindness in their voice as they speak with others. I want to be more like them.

Holy conversation is not out of reach for any of us. It may be as close as the next words that come out of your mouth.