by Kathie Bender Schwich

The dictionary defines it as slang: "to express one’s opinions or complaints in a loud, indiscreet manner; to speak impudently or talk back." We call it "mouthing off." We’ve probably all been on the receiving end of someone’s opinion shared in a loud, indiscreet manner at one time or another in our lives. If you’ve ever been in a parental role, you most certainly have. It’s an experience that leaves you wondering, "What did I ever do to deserve this?"

Being mouthed off to is no fun. Hearing your dearly beloved, precious child suddenly lash out, expressing frustration in a way that makes you question the child’s true parentage, can be shocking. When that happens to me, I find myself caught between wanting to scream and wanting to melt into tears.

Even the nonchalant trash talk that children seem to use freely today can be much more than a disrespectful annoyance. Similarly, when a colleague at work or a friend at church mouths off during a conversation, I’m not only caught off guard, but I feel my defenses rising and anger welling up to the point that I’m ready to mouth off right back!

And that is unusual for me. I grew up in an era and in a household where I was taught early on that it was impolite to mouth off. One of my friends learned this the hard way...by tasting several bars of soap during her adolescent years as  consequence for talking back to her parents. Eventually she learned that if she wanted to keep living in a happy household, she would need to find another way to make her concerns and differences known. Over the years, she and I, and many women like us, learned to keep our opinions and complaints to ourselves.

Now, as an adult, I have had the opportunity to participate in classes and workshops that focus on self-esteem and assertiveness. There I have learned the importance for me, not only as a woman but more importantly as a valued child of God, of sharing my opinions and insights, and even my complaints, with others in appropriate and meaningful ways. I’ve learned that my opinions might actually be of value to the discussion at hand. My insights might help someone who is facing a situation similar to one I have already experienced. Even my complaints might help correct a problem and save someone else from suffering through the same difficulties.

This learning experience has meant a lot to me, and it continues to this very day. As I think back on the many times I wanted to say something, either an opinion or a complaint, but didn’t, I realize that I was actually throwing the proverbial baby out with the bath water. What I wanted to say was not so terrible. What stopped me were my fears about how I could say it and who I might hurt in the process.

The important difference
What I have learned over the years is the important difference between mouthing off and speaking up. The dictionary defines this latter phrase as "to talk freely and fearlessly, as about a public issue." I would add to this my sense that when we mouth off, our negative emotions are doing the talking. Consequently, we may speak words that we regret as soon as they leave our mouths and that hearers experience as negative or hurtful.

When we speak up, however, our minds are engaged, not just our emotions. We may be just as passionate about an opposing opinion we want to express or the complaint we want to register, but our words are offered in a controlled manner that shows thought and respect for the listener. When we speak up, we command the attention of our hearers. They listen attentively because they can actually hear our concerns rather than feeling like victims of verbal abuse and getting defensive.

For me, speaking up is the more difficult of the two. It isn’t easy to point out a hurtful comment that was made or an injustice that was done. It isn’t easy to go against the crowd and state an opinion that is contrary to the majority one. And for those of us who will do anything to avoid conflict, speaking up with a complaint makes the idea of having a root canal seem easy!

Child of God, called to speak up
I keep reminding myself, though, that as a child of God I am called to speak up. At my confirmation, I promised to "strive for justice and peace in all the earth." I realize now that I wasn’t only promising that I would act in ways that are peaceful and just. I know that I was also promising to speak up against acts of injustice and conflict, both for myself and for my neighbor.

That is a difficult promise to keep. How willing am I to speak up when a relative tells ethnic jokes or makes racial slurs? How do I speak up when a member of my own congregation makes a visitor feel unwelcome because they are different? Where do I find the courage to speak up when my brother or sister in Christ experiences injustice or oppression? How can I speak up for myself when I feel that I am being treated unfairly?

During those times when I find myself reverting to my childhood behavior and preferring to be seen and not heard, or when the sinner in me is tempted to mouth off, my faith gives me both courage and encouragement to speak up. Scripture is filled with words of support and affirmation for those of us who are timid about speaking up.

When Jeremiah complained to God, "Ah, Lord God! Truly I do not know how to speak, for I am only a boy" (we could substitute "woman," "lay person," "volunteer"— the list could go on), the Lord responded, "Do not say I am only a boy...for you shall speak whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you" (Jeremiah 1:6–8).

I need not fear the repercussions that might come from friends or colleagues when I speak up on behalf of another who is being treated unfairly or even when I speak up for myself. The God who has named me and claimed me is with me. And God will give me the words to say that will get my point across without inflicting undue harm on others in the process.

Scriptural role models
The Syrophoenician woman in the seventh chapter of Mark’s Gospel is a good role model for me. She helps me see the importance of speaking up for myself, and the importance of speaking up to God! In this text, Jesus has gone into a house hoping to be alone and unnoticed. But a Gentile woman of Syrophoenician origin (and therefore not popular with Jesus’ crowd) whose daughter had an unclean spirit found Jesus. She begged him to heal her daughter. But Jesus’ said, "Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children’s food and feed it to the dogs." Ouch! Jesus was telling the woman that she was not worthy of his time or effort. But the woman spoke up. She said to Jesus, "Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs."

The woman didn’t mouth off in anger or hurt. She engaged her mind as well as her emotions. She spoke up based on her knowledge of the situation and her emotions. She took Jesus seriously, and by speaking up demanded that he take her seriously in return. And Jesus answered, "For saying that, you may go — the demon has left your daughter." The woman’s faith and persistence led to Jesus’ healing of her daughter.

The story of the Syrophoenician woman continues to serve as a reminder to me that in my conversations with others and with God I am free to speak up with words that are grounded in faith. In fact, I am not only free to do so, I am called to do so.

Another such reminder is found in the 18th chapter of Luke’s Gospel. Jesus tells the parable of the widow and the unjust judge, reminding his followers "to pray always and not to lose heart" (Luke 18:1). There was a judge who did not fear God and had no respect for people, and there was a widow who kept coming to the judge asking for justice. The judge refused to respond to the widow’s request, but finally he gave in and agreed to her demand because she persisted. Jesus says to his followers, "And will not God grant justice to his chosen ones who cry to him day and night?...I tell you, he will quickly grant justice to them" (vv. 7–8).

As God’s beloved children, we are free to speak up to other people, and to God as well, letting them know our concerns, our needs, and our knowledge of the injustices and oppression we have witnessed. We are called, and we are free, to speak up out of our faith and our knowledge of God’s love for us and for others, confident that God hears us.

As one who is a child of God, both saint and sinner, I thank God that I am free to speak up in daily prayer to God and conversation with my brothers and sisters about things that trouble me in my family, my community, and my world. I thank God that I have brothers and sisters in Christ who courageously live out their calling by speaking up to me when I act in ways that are harmful or unjust. And I also thank God for the mandate and the encouragement I am given to do the same.

The Rev. Kathie Bender Schwich is executive for synodical and constituent relations and assistant to the presiding bishop of the ELCA.