by Norma Cook Everist

CONFLICT: Do you see it as a fight? A maze you cannot find your way through? Do you feel it as a surge of energy? A knot in the stomach? On St. Luke’s Day (October 18) churches focus on the ministry of healing. We need Christ’s healing in the midst of conflict at home, at our jobs, in our congregations, across our church, and globally.

Conflict is real and complex. Each of us has our own images, personal histories, emotions, and understandings of conflict. The gift and goal of life together in the church is, as the body of Christ, to minister to a wounded world. We are part of that world; we also inflict many of those wounds. In Christ we become gifts to one another so that, in the midst of our differences, we can be the faithful community God is calling us to be. God hears our cries of pain, binds up the broken, heals, and brings new life out of death and destruction as the Spirit restores and renews community (see Ephesians, chapters 2–4).

TYPES OF CONFLICT
There are seven types of conflict. 1. Intrapersonal conflict is inside ourselves. We become anxious, uncertain; we can even deceive ourselves. Intrapersonal conflict is a roadblock to dealing with external conflict. 2. Interpersonal conflicts arise between people or groups of people. Both inter- and intrapersonal conflicts can be about: 3. issues (beliefs); 4. facts (truth); 5. worth (values); 6. goals (mission); or 7. means (ministry).

Consider a current conflict in your women’s group or congregation. Are people disagreeing about the mission of the church or about the ministry that serves that mission? Do some think that the conflict is about values? About biblical truth? Is there dissension between people? Are you conflicted within? Perhaps all of this is going on at the same time. God loves us all, embracing us to help us listen, value, and embrace one another.

Communities can respond to conflict in either destructive ways or healthy, productive ways. There are certain common characteristics that reveal how communities are facing their conflicts.

CONFLICT IS NOT STATIC
Escalating conflict intensifies from disagreement to judgment, even condemnation. People say things they later wish they had not said. An escalating conflict might be the situation of a committee with a healthy range of opinions that falls into a dispute about values and then about ministry and finally about their common mission.

Widening conflict spreads from a few people to many and finally to everyone. Widening is healthy if the issue involves the entire congregation, but idle spreading takes time and energy, engulfing those who have no responsibility for the matter.

Contagious conflict. Can one catch a conflict as one catches a cold? Should we simply stay away from "sick" people? When we take into account the human condition, and, as the old hymn goes, that we all have "sin-sick souls," we realize that believing we are immune is only self-deception. In fact, each of us can be a carrier of conflict, through gossip or by seeking to draw a third person into our side of an interpersonal conflict (triangulation).

The contagious effect can be seen and felt in one incident that makes an entire community "sick" at the same time. Or, perhaps more frustrating, those with constant complaints may receive undue attention. They may feel better, but the caregivers are left exhausted and now suffer themselves.

We can become somewhat immune to the disabling effects of conflict. We can avoid contact when we are not healthy ourselves, that is, when we are suffering intrapersonal conflict. We may need a respite in order to become well enough to be in the community without infecting more people. The entire community can develop resistance to the infection of malicious gossip. And the community can learn to care for one another in healthy ways.

Habitual conflict. When people fight regularly over different issues but use the same pattern, they have developed a habit of conflict that impedes mission. The players in the game may change, but the game goes on. People regularly come to the bargaining table, but they seem more interested in arguing at that table than in feasting at the Lord’s supper or in serving at tables in ministry in the world. It seems safer to retain old habitual patterns, even if such patterns are neither healthy nor productive.

Even though there are predictable patterns, even seasons, of conflict, people can change their ways of working with conflict. No matter how bad things have become, empowered by a faithful God who has taken the ultimate conflict to the cross, we can participate in transformative and even creative conflict. We can learn new skills to address and respond to conflict each time it arises, and to take responsibility for collaboratively dealing with it.

TRANSFORMATION
Although a conflict may seem to have a life of its own, it should not be allowed to grow into a force poised to demolish everything in its path. Church schism is not an answer to our conflict. Congregations will need skills of respect, empathy, and understanding to address conflict.

Discern which direction a conflict is going. Does it need to be contained rather than broadened? Is it destructive or productive? Can you set short–term objectives that are achievable so that you feel you are making progress on your journey toward a healthy way of living out your common mission?

SEVEN RESPONSES TO CONFLICT
Awareness of seven responses to conflict helps us discern the appropriate way to deal with a particular conflict at a given time. Each presents problems and possibilities.

Avoidance. Healing cannot take place if we continue to avoid the problem. However, avoidance for a brief time can provide a cooling-off period and give some healthy distance. This can be a time to gather information, clarify the issue, and gain perspective.

Confrontation can be hurtful, even damaging. But it need not be a standoff; it can be an opportunity to see eye to eye. Having looked straight at the issue, at ourselves, and at our differences, we may now see more clearly what needs to be done to work toward being a healthy community.

Competition. We live in a society where nearly everything is seen as a battle where the only goal is to win. Christ came not to overwhelm, overpower, or "win," except over sin, death, and the power of evil. Jesus turned competition upside down, saying that whoever wants to be great must be servant of all. The goal is not that some be defeated, but that all be strengthened.

Control. We don’t appreciate people who are controlling, but we also fear things getting out of control. We cannot control what people think or feel, but we can set in place and maintain (that is, control) a safe environment where voices can be heard, issues explored, and conflict resolved.

Accommodate. To accommodate is to make room for another’s views while maintaining one’s own integrity. Some people accommodate too much; others expect everyone to accommodate them. Accommodation can be seen as a form of hospitality; at its best, mutual hospitality.

Compromise. Being compromising sounds like being unfaithful; being compromised sounds like being invaded. Positively, compromise means living together in the promises of God. God’s uncompromising love in Jesus Christ frees us from the fear of loss when we come together to listen to one another and share ideas, desires, and gifts, thereby making room for creative new options.

Collaboration. Even though voting to solve a conflict is at times expeditious and necessary, the results can haunt a community for years. Seeking consensus, though time- and labor-intensive, is a viable alternative for the health of the body of Christ.

Women understand both the work and joy of "co-labor." A biblical word for strenuous labor is travail. Of the two dozen uses of travail in Scripture, almost all refer to women in the anguish of giving birth (see, for example, John 16:21). Compare the anguish of people crying out in pain to that of a woman in labor (see, for example, Isaiah 21:3; 42:14). God hears the cries of God’s people (for example, Jeremiah 4:31). And God says, "Do not be afraid." In Genesis 35:16–17, Rachel was in hard labor while traveling from Bethel. The phrase is repeated: "When she was in her hard labor, the midwife said to her, ‘Do not be afraid.’ " Those words remind us of the angel’s words to Mary when told she would give birth to the savior, "Do not be afraid" (Luke 1:30).

The word travail is related to the word travel. Working through conflict together, "traveling" together in the midst of dissension, pain, and fear is difficult. On our journey through conflict, God hears our cries in the midst of our hard labor together and says, "Do not be afraid, I am with you."

Norma Cook Everist, professor at Wartburg Seminary in Dubuque, Iowa, is author of the new book, Open the Doors and See All the People: Stories of Congregational Identity and Vocation (Augsburg Fortress, 2004).

Excerpts from Norma Cook Everist Church Conflict: From Contention to Collaboration © 2004 by Abingdon Press, used by permission. To order call 800–672–1789.

CHARACTERISTICS OF DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT
— Voices are silenced and people avoid one another regularly.

— The atmosphere is one of sadness, apathy, or strained civility.

— People gather in clusters to discuss issues outside regularly scheduled meetings.

— People harbor resentments, remembering when they were slighted.

— Creative energy is replaced by rumors and rancor.

— Members are dissatisfied with outcomes, feeling only that they have lost.

— Faith is crushed and people leave congregations.

CHARACTERISTICS OF HEALTHY, PRODUCTIVE CONFLICT
— People feel that diverse voices are heard.

— People’s fears are addressed and allayed.

— People grow in courage, confidence, faith, and a positive sense of self.

— People are more informed about various options and understand each other better.

— People are willing to share power.

— The atmosphere is stimulating and people care more about issues and people.

— People feel energized by the encounter and want to continue to work together.

SHORT–TERM STRATEGIES TO DEAL WITH CONFLICT
— Agree to stop making accusations; listen to fears.

— Determine who needs to be involved in resolving this conflict.

— Discuss the type of conflict that exists (for example, over truth, values, mission,   ministry).

— Gather information about the issue.

— Begin to develop new skills for responding to conflict.

— Decide when and how the group will settle some matters and when to meet again to continue collaboration.

LONG–TERM GOALS
— Commit to developing a healthy community that is able to deal with the stress of everyday life together.

— Regularly pray together and search the Scripture. Listen to each other’s visions for mission and ministry.

— Celebrate ministries of the community. Thank God...and each other!

— Set regularly scheduled times to assess patterns of conflict in the congregation and to analyze directions they take.

— Note when healthy responses to conflict are used; reinforce positive skills.

— Gain perspective on your own situation through focusing on God’s mission activity beyond your walls.