by Havilah L. Tower-Perkins

It was an ordinary afternoon at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) when Mary Smith* made a frantic call for help. She was in a phone booth at a strip mall watching her husband rush in and out of the stores, searching for her. Mary’s husband was abusive. She was afraid for her life.

In response to her call to 1-800-799-SAFE, the NDVH advocate connected her directly to a nearby shelter. Together, the shelter, NDVH, and Mary devised a plan for the shelter to send its unmarked van to meet Mary behind the mall. She was picked up and driven to the shelter. This call represents just one of the more than one million calls that NDVH has received since its inception in 1996 — and it epitomizes nearly all of them.

Domestic violence is one of the few issues that affects us all. It goes on within all ethnic groups, socio-economic sectors, religions, and cultures. It is common to blame domestic violence on external factors, like alcohol abuse or financial troubles, or on emotion, like anger to the point of losing one’s temper. Not so. Rather, it is an act or series of actions chosen by an abuser in order to control a partner’s behavior. If hitting or shoving were stress-related, then why are batterers not abusive toward their supervisor, toward the waitress who brought the wrong order, toward anyone besides their partner? Abuse is not a reaction, but a choice. Batterers choose to abuse.

Both women and men can be victims of abuse. Men who are victims of abuse face a unique barrier to deciding to seek help because of societal pressures to "be a man." Women are significantly more often victims¹ of abuse and are more brutally abused by their partners, as evidenced by the significantly higher number of murders of women by their partners. Approximately four million women are victims of abuse annually. Not surprisingly, 92 percent of women believe domestic violence should be a top priority for our nation’s leaders.² Domestic violence causes more injuries to women than rape, mugging, and car accidents — combined. ³

While it is common to associate abuse with bruises, domestic violence is not just physical. In fact, many survivors reveal that the emotional abuse they suffer is far more damaging than the physical. Abuse can be mental, emotional, physical, even financial.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224, is available to victims or concerned friends and family members 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. With access to over 5,000 domestic violence resources nationwide, hotline advocates are available to answer questions, help in devising a safety plan, and connect callers to services and programs in their area. Every call to the hotline is anonymous.

How you can help
While domestic violence shelters and services provide life-saving help to victims and their children every day, the need is outgrowing the limited resources and support available. This gap means more individuals and organizations must get involved — especially those who know a victim and can give them information to help them find safety.

If someone we care about is sick or grieving, we support them in any way we can. We need to do the same for people we care about who are suffering abuse. Domestic violence is often underreported due to embarrassment and fear of being judged. If someone we love talks to us about their experience of abuse, it is critical that we remain open-minded. We must not blame the victim by questioning their behavior. Instead, we need to know how to respond so that we can help.

Knowing how to respond can save lives. Provide victims with the Hotline number, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224, so they can call for help from anywhere in the nation. Most important, respect their decision on how and when to act in the relationship. Only a victim knows when it is safe to leave. Since leaving an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous time for a victim, it is imperative that they listen to their instincts. And it is critical for us to stand by them.

For more information on how you can support efforts to end domestic violence, contact your local domestic violence program or the NDVH Communications Team at 512-794-1133.

Warning signs of abuse include a partner…
• telling you what you can and can’t wear

• isolating you from your friends and family

• acting jealous, constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

• controlling the money you spend

• criticizing you constantly

• monitoring your every move or telephone call

• threatening to hurt you or those you love.

• shoving, punching, choking, or hitting you

Havilah L. Tower-Perkins, M.A., is media relations coordinator for the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the Texas Council on Family Violence. She works to increase awareness of the impact of domestic violence and the role the public plays in ending abuse.

*name has been changed

References
¹ Murray A. Straus and Richard J. Gelles, Physical Violence in American Families, 1990
² According to a 2003 survey released by the Center for the Advancement of Women.
³ Violence among Intimates, E. Stark and A. Filtcraft, 1987